“I’m proud of the work that you did and happy with how this lesson went.”

My AP knows just how to lift my spirits.

Yesterday was rough, and not in the way I expected–the kids were wonderful and going through a full-blown day of work on zero sleep (I know, I know, I make terrible life choices) wasn’t nearly as difficult as I expected. But the meeting at the end of the work day definitely was.

Long story short, my boss is leaving as early as next Wednesday. For those of you who don’t know, my boss is my first principal. She hired me October 2011–taking a chance on a young college grad who still hadn’t found a job, who had been working teaching online, who may or may not be ready to work in a tough school as ours. When I had a difficult incident with a student last year, she was on my side– and she supported me as I put myself back together after the incident made me fall apart. And at the start of this year, she gave me a course team to lead, trusting that I would use my knowledge in benchmarking and my leadership to unite the team and do something amazing with American Lit–even when I didn’t think I was the best choice, when I was so afraid. She has been nurturing, honest, direct, and understanding as I have needed feedback to improve at work and to struggle with my depression so I can make deadlines. She knows me, she respects my work, she knows what I’m capable of… and now she’s leaving.

I know this is the best possible career choice for her. I know that this is a challenge that she needs and that this opportunity will not come knocking again. And more than anything, I know that she’s hurting too but that this will make her happy. So I need to be happy for her, I need to remember that this has nothing to do with me… but it’s still hard to hear the bombshell with the rest of the faculty, to know that I saw her last week and she knew and was trying to protect me and not ruin my break so she didn’t tell me. And it’s terrifying to think about who will be here next and what they’ll be like–I remember distinctly what it’s like to live with my condition under a judgmental, unsupportive boss and I really hope that doesn’t happen again.

The silver lining is that I’m not worried about my job–I’m damn good at what I do, I work hard, and even on the worst of days when I think about quitting (and I have those, we all have those) I know that my work with the kids and the way they treat me says more about my work than all of the naysayers ever will. ALSO, I can now be friends with my boss without worrying about being professional–so we’re gonna go hang out at YardHouse next week, and she’ll tell me about her new job and I’ll tell her about my new boss and we’ll survive. We always do.

And I have to say I’m proud of myself for sticking to my resolutions last night. As I chronicled via pictures last night, I had a healthy dinner so I could drink myself some calories, and I downed most of the sparkling wine in my fridge (roommate!Sarah drank 7 oz. to keep me company and I polished off the remaining 17). I didn’t work out because my knees still hurt, but I’ll make up the deficit today. And I’m breathing, organizing my life… after work there will be a workout, and then I’ll dye my hair and cook/eat dinner while the dye sets in, and then I’ll light and start shabbat with a relaxing bath to usher in the weekend so I can call it a night early and go to services tomorrow morning.

Work can wait–Saturdays are mine.

I’ll gather some energy to explain… tomorrow.

In terms of physical health, I was pretty good today: I went grocery shopping (yay under budget!), cooked meals for the rest of the week, and gave my knees a rest instead of forcing myself to work out through the pain. I did, however, park far from the entrance to every store I went to, and I took the stairs in and out of Aldi (carrying 20 pounds of groceries on the way out, thanks 10-lb. bag of potatoes). As much as I wanted to say I’d worked out today, I have to go back to work tomorrow and I work on the third floor, so. Yeah. I feel good about my choices.

As for my mental health, I had an awesome therapy session today. We really dissected my breakdown and the friendships I’m currently struggling with, and I feel much better armed to deal with these situations in the future. It was also awesome to hear that I have indeed been working on things the way I should, and that the mechanisms I have put in place and the conclusions I have drawn have been accurate. Things got even better when I got to have a long, much-needed, majorly serious conversation with my awesome roommate Crystal. It felt great to have some time for us, and to be able to speak candidly about everything that’s going on with someone who listened without judgment and knows everyone involved so she can offer solid advice.

So, yeah. I feel awesome today. And with that, I’m gonna go do six loads of laundry, write some lesson plans, and organize/plan out the next 4-5 days of my life.

So, here it is: 2013 in all its glory. And for me, it is literally a new beginning, since today is the first time in days I have actually done something productive and have felt a bit more like myself. And, in order to celebrate that, I’m going to make myself accountable for some, yes, dreaded and clichéd resolutions:

1. BREATHE. 2012 was a year of many changes and a lot of growth–and it’s only going to get crazier from here, it seems. So my #1 goal for this year is to breathe: to cut myself some slack, to know when to take it slow, to give myself as much time and care as I give others. It’s finally sunk in that it’s okay–hell, necessary–for me to be the #1 person in my life, and 2013 is going to be my year to do that.
2. Eat my hunger, not my feelings. I have spent the past two weeks eating my feelings, to the point where I have regained the weight I’d lost and surpassed it so I’m now at my heaviest ever (258). I want to eat when my body tells me I need to, not when I am thinking about food or I see food or someone near me consumes food. I also want to eat things that are less greasy and potentially migraine-triggering.
3. Stay active! Last time I tried this I said I’d work out every day and then punked out about a month in. My goal will be two-fold: to do some physical activity for at least 15 minutes AND to leave the house every single day. No excuses, no exceptions. So that means that on weekends my activity might just be to take a walk somewhere or go for a run so I can do both at once.
4. Make time for friends. I didn’t realize this until Alex and I were finally catching up over mimosas and brunch on Sunday, but I really miss getting to just hang out with my friends. Facebook and Twitter and Skype and Gchat are awesome, but it’s just not the same. As per roommate!Sarah’s suggestion, I’m going to start scheduling date nights with the people I want to spend more time with this year so we can make time in our schedules for each other. (Alex, Molly, Madisson, I am especially looking at you.)
5. Stop underestimating myself. This one is rather strange for me to think about. The truth is that I have extremely high standards for myself, and I often find myself falling short/lacking–which then leads to lots of self-deprecation and blaming and other not-fun things. However, I keep forgetting how strong I can be, how productive, how valuable. So this year, I want to give myself the credit I deserve and I want to push myself to do better while remembering resolution #1 and knowing that failing sometimes is the only way to ever succeed.
6. Be financially responsible consistently. I have all the pieces together for this: I have Mint.com, I track all my accounts via web/text/app, I have a list of payments I need to make every month. But I’m not consistently on top of my finances, so I’m often unaware of how much money I actually have available–and I’ve been shopping with my feelings (often for food). So I’m hoping that I will be able to survive my current financial crisis by paying closer attention, and I’ve scheduled myself financial check-in times to make sure this happens.
7. Prioritize and manage my time better. Let’s be real, here–if I said I’m going to stop procrastinating, I’d be a lying liar who lies. The truth is, I have always been a procrastinator, and I do my absolute best work under pressure. But I used to actually get stuff done when it needed to get done, and it wasn’t nearly as difficult to organize/motivate myself. So I’m gonna prioritize and schedule myself for the things that need to get done, and ask friends/coworkers to keep me accountable. I work well with deadlines, so I’m going to set myself some and see how that goes.

There are other things I want to do this year, but I chose these seven because they will enable me to achieve my other goals. What are some things you’re hoping to do this year?

ETA: It is almost midnight and I am way under my calorie budget, I worked out, I let myself relax in a warm bath, and I’m ready to rock out tomorrow. Off to a good start!

1. Remember that depression is a disease. You can’t see it, you can’t touch it, but it’s there, and it’s real. Your friend doesn’t mean to be sad or hopeless or a buzzkill, okay? They literally have no choice and are likely using all of their energy to stop themselves from  being worse. So don’t feel bad if you can’t help them, if you can’t “cure” them… remember that there are professionals to help with that, and that they are the ones who can help your friend. Also remember that depression is not like a cold–there is no magic medicine or treatment, and it might never be cured. Most of us live with depression forever, to varying degrees.

2. …but that your friend is more than that. That depression takes up such a big space in my life doesn’t mean that that’s all I am or all I do–and it’s the same with your friend. Even when the conversation revolves around their mental state a lot, your friend is still a person who has other things to talk about. Please remember that we’re more than depression on legs… we’re still people!

3. Remember that we’re allowed to have a bad day, depression or not. If your friend isn’t getting help yet, by all means encourage them. If your friend is talking about running away or ending their life, please get them help. But if they’re telling you that they’re having a rough day and are thinking about calling their ex or changing their career? That’s normal. That’s just a person thing, not a depression thing. So say what you would say to any other friend: “Exes are exes for a reason, and if you’re getting another job you better get it before you quit and be making bank at the new one!”

4. Appreciate that they’re telling you how they feel. Sometimes listening to me can be really rough–I get that. It’s difficult to deal with someone who is in the midst of depression, whose outlook is bleak and hopeless all the time… especially when it’s me we’re talking about, since I believe in full disclosure abut my mental state regardless of how uncomfortable it might make people. Don’t want anybody to not know what they signed up for. So if your friend is telling you how they feel and you feel scared, that’s okay–but remember where it comes from. Remember that this person, who is in so much pain it is all-consuming and who has to struggle to remember that there are other people in the world, is making an effort to be honest with you. It means more than you know.

5. Know what your role is. Regardless of what your relationship to the person with depression is, there is one thing that is unquestionable: your role is not to be their savior. You are there to be supportive, to listen, to offer comfort, to encourage–what you would do for any other person that you love, sick or not. This person should have a therapist or a support group or both–but that’s not your job! Do not feel responsible for fixing them, nor let them make you feel like you’re responsible for them. Keeping these boundaries in mind will save you a lot of grief!

6. Educate yourself! When you’re dealing with someone as ill as I’ve been recently, it can become overwhelming very quickly. If you’re not sure how to help or even how to deal with listening to your friend, look for resources that will help you too. I have a friend who’s attended therapy with me before to get an idea of what it’s like and to get some tools to keep me on track. Some others have talked to their therapists about my situation and gotten support and help that way. Just make sure you inform yourself up to a level where you feel comfortable and equipped to deal with being there for your friend–just remember, this is not your job and you’re not looking for fixes, just for ways to help your friend stay afloat.

7. Be honest. I have a couple of friends who have established boundaries in terms of how much we talk about depression and what we talk about. I also have some others who have told me they don’t feel equipped to deal with my condition, so I gloss over it in my conversations with them. It’s okay to say that–I would much rather someone admit they can’t handle it than have them plod through my feelings with me only to resent me later or worse, snap at me. I’ve also had friends whose mental health has worsened from the toll of dealing with mine, and viceversa. Don’t put yourself in that position! You have to keep yourself healthy so you can be there for your friend.

Some final tips from one of my favorite resources:

What you can say that helps:

• You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.
• You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.
• I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.
• When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold of for just one more day, hour, minute — whatever you can manage.
• You are important to me. Your life is important to me.
• Tell me what I can do now to help you.

Avoid saying:

• It’s all in your head.
• We all go through times like this.
• Look on the bright side.
• You have so much to live for why do you want to die?
• I can’t do anything about your situation.
• Just snap out of it.
• What’s wrong with you?
• Shouldn’t you be better by now?

Adapted from: The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

If you have a resource or strategy you would like to recommend, drop me a comment!

Edit: My roommate had three quick things to add, since she’s dealt with myself and others in this situation:

• Depression is a part of this person–accept that and know that the person you love is still there. They just have depression!
• You might not know what’s going on in their life or what has happened before that is causing depression, and sometimes that person won’t either. Not understanding why they feel that way doesn’t mean their feelings aren’t valid or real!
• OFFER HUGS, especially if your friend is like me and loves hugs. Sometimes some contact is all it takes to make us feel better… human touch is way more healing than people realize. And so are smiles!

This post is just what it says on the tin: I’ve just found myself in the rabbit hole again, and I didn’t realize until the snow fell in my eyes. Or, to be less metaphorical, until I realized I had zero empathy today. And I mean zero.

It dawned on my rather ungracefully: a friend told me her dog died today, and my first response was, “I just spent 16 hours lying in bed thinking about effective and non-messy ways to kill myself, and you want to talk about your dog? Oh, okay.” I’m glad that I managed to keep my mouth shut, but really upset that I thought that at all. It’s not like me to respond like that–even at my most awkward with feelings, I have always prided myself in my ability to step into someone else’s shoes and try to say the right thing.

And today I just couldn’t do it. And I was so angry at myself for my reaction that I withdrew, spent the rest of my day berating myself for such a mean and inappropriate thought until I realized that the thought wasn’t mine, not really. Depression, the animal as we call it in my house, had taken up residence again, and that snarling was all hers.

With knowledge comes power, they say–but with depression, not so much. Knowing that I was having all of these angry, self-centered reactions because the animal was back in town didn’t stop me from having them, and it didn’t make them any less horrible. I was good about controlling myself and keeping all of the thoughts reined in literally all day, but it was a hard battle that left me with little energy for anything else… and then there was another fight.

One of my best friends and I have been having a lot of trouble because she’s trying so hard to help me, to fix me–and it’s not that simple. There is no cure. I’ll get better, I’ll get worse, but this doesn’t just go away… I’m always going to be a person who’s living with depression, whether I’m feeling it or it’s dormant, waiting for a day to strike. And her constant optimism grates on me when the animal’s in town… her insistence on looking for a silver lining when all I can see is darkness makes me feel like she’s trying to invalidate my feelings. Or worse, like she’s taunting the animal to come up with worse and worse things in response, and I can’t always act as the filter between “My Brain On Depression” and real life. I just don’t have that kind of energy. And then it escalates because she gets upset and doesn’t tell me until it bubbles over and she explodes, and it all dissolves into tears of frustration.

It’s not a pretty situation, to be sure. And I feel really responsible for all of this because I think that, if I didn’t have depression, things wouldn’t have to be this difficult. So after talking it out with her, I’ve come up with a few guidelines on how to support a friend who has depression. Read them, pass them along, whatever–I hope they’re useful to someone, somewhere, someday.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to keep it together until Wednesday, when my therapist and I get to talk about how losing my routine completely undid me.

Exactly a week later, down to the time, I’m sobbing at my desk over Newtown, CT and thinking about Jessie in Aurora.

This needs to end NOW–I don’t want to go into 2013 still hearing about mass shootings in the US. We’ve had SEVEN just this year. Enough is enough.

• Standee’s in the middle of the night (especially after drinking)
• Watching the sunrise at the IC
• Finals breakfast
• Blankets and cuddles at Relay 4 Life
• Scavenger hunts for birthday gifts
• Karaoke nights next door to the RA
• Dollhouse/SPN nights
• Showing up just for the free stuff
• Roommate bonding/cuddling time
• FRAN
• Snowmen with the first-time snow-seers
• Wao Bao while waiting for the 147
• Fearing the Cudahy elevator
• Crowding the Damen escalators when late for class
• Technical difficulties, especially in Dumbach classrooms
• Napping in the quiet reading room
• Dirty looks for typing too loudly in the third floor
• Target trips (only buy what you can carry!)
• Avoiding the crack house on Winthrop
• Trying to get food from the Mickey D’s drive-thru on foot
• Papa Moe and Coke slurpees at 3AM
• J.B. Alberto’s for every event (the Giant, especially)
• Taking the El from Loyola to Granville
• Visiting Patti Ray in Hillel whenever in Mundelein
• Huddling in the reading room in the library
• Bitching about the library doors being closed
• Quoting SNL/MADtv at all times

Man, I miss Loyola. Feel free to add your own in the comments!

Since I watched it for the first time a couple of months ago, I’ve taken the time to call/text/email/Skype/write letters to a lot of people in my life I’m grateful to, but today I would like to reiterate those thanks… I know that everyone is doing a “People/Things I’m Thankful For” list today, but I have so much to be grateful for today that the haze of depression didn’t let me see even yesterday, so I need to take some time to be grateful for (in no particular order, just writing as I feel it):

1. Depression itself. Without the now-twelve-year struggle, I would not be grateful for every day I am myself. I would not know how strong I am. I would not have such unshakable faith. I would not know who my true friends are. It is thanks to the time and energy that depression stole from me that all of my blessings have finally come into such sharp relief–and it is that stark contrast between how I felt yesterday and how I feel today that is helping me write this list.

2. GOD. This is the first Thanksgiving after I have decided for sure that I want to convert, and I feel so at peace with my decision and with this new relationship that I am pursuing with God. I am so very grateful that God has been so patient as I have changed my mind 456789876 times because I have been scared and nervous and unsure. I see His work in my life every day, and I look forward to continue growing in my faith.

3. Congregation Or Chadash. This group of people has welcomed me with open arms and has been so friendly and open and supportive in the short time that we have known each other that I am very proud to call them my congregation–my second family. I look forward to continuing this relationship and growing in it as I continue on my path to conversion.

4. My family, especially: Mamá Güela, Mami, Marita, Tante, and Oncle. Living with me has never been easy, but these people have been champs about it. My grandmother raised me along with my grandfather, and she continues to be the #1 person in my life. My mom and I haven’t always had an easy relationship, but we are communicating better than ever and I am so thankful that we’re both trying to make this the best relationship it can possibly be. I am thankful for my little sister, who keeps me going because I want to be the best possible example for her. She owns my heart.

Ma tante is my aunt Myrka, who has resided in Chicago near me for all the five years I have been here. She and my uncle Edwin, mon oncle, have been pillars of strength as I have navigated everything from finals to therapy to work to conversion. Even though he and I are not technically related, he has made me a part of his family and he has been such a wonderful part of my life that I am thankful every day for the fact that they got married almost exactly ten years ago (¡feliz aniversario, mis amores!). I’m also grateful for the fact that, before they move on over to NYC and leave me, they have gone through all the trouble to host Thanksgiving so we can spend our last holiday together. I’m looking forward to reciting Shehecheyanu before we say grace and dig in, since it’s the first time we host.

5. My roommates: Drew, Mike, Crystal, and Sarah. Drew and Mike are amazing and totally the cutest couple together and they’re also incredible people on their own. Like, I already knew Drew and then Mike came along as well and I just didn’t expect so much awesomosity in one house. I’m thankful that Mike’s such a gentleman and he’s so willing to help out and to inject humor into any situation, which always makes me feel better. And Drew’s just ridiculous(ly awesome)–I love that we can nerd out about Greek life and novels and writing and, just, life.

Crystal has been my roommate since last year, and I’m ridiculously grateful for having her as my roommate, my friend, and basically my adopted kid. She has been there to share the highs, carry me through some lows, and always talk with honesty and goodwill through any issues. I have no words to express how many times she’s saved me. And Sarah is the newest addition to the house, and she is as kind and thoughtful about the people she cares about as she can be blunt and vicious to those who hurt us. It’s an incredible balance, and I love being on her good side!

6. My coworker R and my awesome boss. My job isn’t easy, but it goes much easier when these two have my back. R is a vision of who I could be in 20 more years–and I hope I’m half that. She has so much love in her heart it kind of kills me, and she has held me through more than one rough day when I start thinking about switching careers or marrying money. And my boss? She’s been there for a hug, a pat on the back, and administrative support when things get really rough. Not to mention she took a chance on me and hired me over someone who had more experience. I legit love being able to call them my friends as well as my coworkers.

7. My best friends Kat, Molly, and Alex. College was not always easy to navigate, and these three held my hand (and my life) more than one. We’ve all had our differences, we’ve even had some really rough times, but I love that we have gotten over those and that we have moved on. Kat’s been in my life for nine years and she hasn’t given up on me yet, and I will be eternally grateful for that. Her concern is always palpable and makes me feel completely appreciated, and I love that we’re pretty much sisters. Molly and Alex have moved from being “my college friends” or even “my best friends from college,” and they are most definitely my best friends, no qualifiers. Here’s to many more years of being thankful for each other!

8. My island friends: Lexy, Heidi, Cory, Heri, and Ray–distance and differences aside. Lexy and I became friends almost accidentally, through mutual friends and having all our classes together, and we got close through shared secrets and awkward questions, and many rough moments we held each other through. Heidi and I bonded over the unexpected, and even through her mission and our busy lives, I have always felt her love and her support when things got rough. Cory and I met through Ray, and she was close to him, and then we got closer and our friendship grew stronger. We haven’t seen each other in years and we haven’t always had time for each other–but I’m thankful for who she has been for my life and I always miss her.

Heri is… a complicated story, but the fact of the matter is that I will always love him and thank him for all of the advice and the hard-hitting questions over the last eleven years. I miss him, and I hope that we’ll have a chance to sit down and talk at some point soon. And Ray. Well. He’s a story all on his own, but I will say that it takes one hell of a man to recover after your break your engagement and remain a source of strength and support through hard and easy conversations alike. Interestingly enough, he’s the best ex-fiancé a girl could have, and I am incredibly proud of the man he’s become. I’d like to think I had a bit of a part in that.

9.  LJC–and the community that grew it, where I also met Sara and Nitya. These eight people have changed my life, and the summer of ’09 will forever remain my greatest adventure. Becca, even though we haven’t gotten to meet in person, is always in my thoughts and I’m always excited to see she’s going places. Z continues to be pretty much my soulmate, regardless of the distance, the questions, and the moments when we were not always truthful.

And then the six who took a crazy trip with me: Toni, Tash, Ricky, Holly, Pri, and Kim. I haven’t seen the first three other than that trip to NYC, but I miss them and I’m so grateful I have had them. Holly has been a huge part of my life and I love how we went to Memphis during one of my spring breaks and how she came here during a fall break, and how we’ve Skyped and called and texted and Facebooked ever since. I’m definitely running off to Utah to see her. I used to see my fellow Illinoisan Kim a bit more, but then life got crazy and she went off to college and grew a life. We ran into each other in Evanston, completely randomly, and I miss her and wish I had told her how grateful I am for them. And Pri… Pri is a ray of light, and I miss her immensely, and I’m forever thankful that she introduced me to Ari and Cat–except now I miss all of them.

Sara is my Scandinavian love, and she has been incredible and honest and totally loving. We haven’t had as much time as we would like recently, but she is always in my mind and I’m always grateful for how much she’s taught me and how often she has been there with words of encouragement and support. And Nitya has been there to say nice things, always, to encourage me to get in LeakyCon shenanigans, and generally to be entirely awesome. I’m so glad to be able to call her a friend.

10. My writer friends: Kiki, Gia, Rebecca. After years of dreaming about writing a novel, I decided it would never happen–right around the time depression got a capital D in my life. But Kiki and Gia have always treated me as one of the group, as another writer who’s trying to make her novel happen, another crazy cat (and dog) lady. Kiki also introduced me to all the incredible people in her family, and I’m so happy to have been a p art of all of those moments we’ve had. And then Kiki introduced me to Rebecca, who has become an awesome new friend over coffee and tea and life stories. And, while I may not finish NaNoWriMo this year, I feel awesome about how much progress I’ve made on my novel and how much I love this story–and I have these three ladies to thank for it. 

11. Twitter and its incredible peoples: Aaron, Meg K, Meg W, Casey, Andrea, Nat, Kim, Sarah, Angie, Erika, Dannie, Mandy, Alexa, Becky, and Michigan!Missy in particular. Twitter has changed my life, plain and simple. I have gotten to be part of so many things and connect with so many people–which led to getting to walk with the Stanley Cup at Chicago Pride and receive a birthday tweet from my absolute favorite, Keith Seabrook. I’ve also gotten to meet a ton of people that I have gotten to hug in real life as well! Aaron has been in my life for a while, and getting to hug him recently was spectacular. It’s thanks to him that I’ve gotten to know Meg K better and appreciate her more, and I’m super excited to see what the future holds for us.

I miss Meg W and her French-ass self, and I’ll never forget Cup-stalking with her while she wore my dress (better than I ever could). Casey intimidated the hell out of me when I met her in person–and now I fawn over her cat and we have real legit convos and get into many shenanigans. I’m incredibly grateful for her love and support. Andrea and I have shared several fandoms, and I love having someone that I can have such incredibly deep conversations with at any time. She’s one hell of a woman and I love being in her life. Nat and I also met off Twitter, through awkward conversations and fandom squeals, and total shenanigans. We have shared a bed and had our troubles and generally learned that caring about each other isn’t conditional or limited–and I’m totally grateful for that. 

And there’s the hockey ladies–the ones that were all hockey in our relationship at the start, and then it was oh-so-much-more. Kim became my other adopted kid, and I have gotten to give her advice and receive a lot too. Sarah is… ridiculous, really. We talked and talk and I came to visit for spring break and she came to stay for a draft and then took me to a draft. We have talked about the mundane and the painful and I’m just glad that we have had those chances. Angie and I have had our ups and downs, but we’re totally ‘Rican sisters and meeting at the draft was AWESOME. Also at the draft was my other half, the ridiculously amazing Erika–getting to hang out and hug and look at our matching tattoos was awesome, and I am incredibly grateful that we’ve managed to keep caring about each other even though we’ve gotten super busy and crazy. Dannie has been awesome and cool and I love that she’s really great about offering constant and quick support whenever I have needed her even when we didn’t know each other much. I love everything about that.

Same with Miss Mandy–whom I met super randomly and bonded with over the Rampage and then she came over to stay at my apartment and lead me on AHL adventures. Can’t wait for our next set of shenanigans. And Alexa, whom I haven’t seen in a while, but I’m grateful for because she always has my back. Becky, who has heard me out and shared with me and attempted to teach me how to skate (with Casey) and totally laughed with me, not at me. And then there’s Missy–we met at the ICE bowl in 2010 and liked each other so much that we got over our Original Six rivalry and never looked back. We haven’t seen each other’s face much since, but Skype is awesome, phones are great, and the distance means nothing when I have her love and support.

12. HOCKEY. Hockey has, quite literally, saved my life. It has introduced me to so many incredible people and led me to so many places–I mean, I’m not known for being spontaneous, and then I ran off to the NHL Draft this year. But during 2010 and part of 2011, hockey was literally my entire life. I spent months and months telling myself that, if I had no other reason to live, I had to watch the Blackhawks, Bruins, Penguins, and Kings play their next game, no matter who the opponent was. In a summer full of haze and pain, the Hawks’ Cup win sustained me and reminded me to find joy. The hockey community also carried me through some of the toughest times, and I have become such a hockey fan that it’s one of the things I use to define myself.

13. My therapist! When hockey wasn’t carrying me through on its own, I had Dr. S talking to me about everything and anything I could possibly need to talk about. She has given me the tools I need to be able to do a lot of the managing myself, and her honesty has helped me face the things I’d like to run away from. Through the highs and the lows, I have been lucky to find a therapist I really love talking to and learning from on my very first try. And it’s awesome to have someone who understands how much I love my job and doesn’t fault me for it, yet still insists that I have to make space in my life and time for me.

14. My teacher friends, especially Matt, Alison, and Madisson. These two also get the love for work–and they have a lot of the same questions and issues and feelings that I do about work. Even when were still in college, the late nights (or all-nighters) and the crazy amounts of coffee kept us together as we navigated our degrees. I will forever be grateful for Matt and our all-nighters with poetry and coffee and naps in the IC. I am thankful that he helped me meet Alison senior year–even though we did not have a lot of time, we have managed to connect on an awesome level, and I cannot wait for her to come visit from the Ukraine so we can talk about teaching ESL and all of the shenanigans that we need to have. I am also going to be thankful for Madisson for the rest of my life… for strike hand-holding, dinner, Ulta, and all of our future plans. I am excited to see these two soon–hopefully together, and definitely for shenanigans.

15. My students. There are days, such as last Friday, when I am reassessing my entire life and wondering if I want to change my career and my life and just move along. But at the end of the day? They make my job worthwhile, and I love them even when I want to punch them, and even on the rough days I have students who will ask what’s wrong, offer comfort, hug me, remind me that I’m doing well and doing what I need to do. I am grateful for every single bit of improvement, every single day when someone tries harder and learns. For every moment they exasperate me or keep me up at night, they also reward me and remind me that my job is hard so that the people who care are the ones who do it well, who last.

So thank you, God, for every single person and thing on this list. I have more blessings than I can count, and I am grateful that it took me so long to finish this post because I had to be grateful for so very many things.